The following was published in the April 2009 email digest of the national Reform Sex Offender Laws (RSOL) organization. In this essay, I share the events that led me to get involved with RSOL, and later, to assume leadership of the Iowa chapter, known as the Iowa Coalition for Sex Offender Rehabilitation (mission statement at bottom of post). I conclude with an argument for building broad coalitions to prevent sexual violence in our society.
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I never would have imagined just a few years ago that I would ever become an advocate for the diverse group of people we lump together as “sex offenders.” A lot has happened in my life since then, however, forcing me to re-evaluate my plans. While tragic, the changes have ultimately been for the better, and I am pleased to be involved with the Reform Sex Offender Laws (RSOL) organization. In this essay, I will share the events that led me to get involved in RSOL, as a participant and then as a state organizer, and my views on the journey that lies ahead.
My Story
I was the victim of sexual abuse as a young boy. At the time, I was unable to make sense of what was happening, what was being done to me, or what I was being forced to do. I did not possess the combination of mental and emotional capacities to recognize the abuse and then question it. Worst of all, I had no power to stop it. The abuse eventually did come to an end. But simply because particular abusive behaviors ceased did not mean that I regained control over my life.
There is good reason why many victims of abuse describe being given a “life sentence” while their abusers appear to go free. It’s not just fancy rhetoric. It is one of the few ways that victims have found to express what it means to be used as an object, to be dehumanized, and to forever struggle to rebuild what has been so savagely stripped away. For me, the abuse stopped long ago, but my recovery is just beginning.
Without the necessary support and therapeutic resources, I coped in precisely the same way many victims cope – pretending that it never happened. And fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), I had a lot going for me as a young person – I was smart, mature, outgoing, and heavily involved with activities at school and in the community. So, it was easy to get by, or at least give the impression of being okay.
In college, I joined an advocacy organization that provided support to survivors of sexual violence; I later became a head advocate, a role in which I led peer education efforts, while also training and supervising other student advocates. This work led me to women’s studies in which I did research on sexual violence, the “rape culture,” and pornography; I received awards for my research and became the first male student to graduate from the women’s studies program at my university. I also served as a resident advisor in an all-male residence hall, which exposed me to the inner working of men’s violence and aggression in ways no research project could possibly reveal. All of my involvements were rooted in a passion for feminist (or feminist-inspired) justice work, and my experiences laid bear the harsh realities of men’s violence in our society.
My college experience was successful by traditional standards, but I was a complete wreck under the surface, struggling with depression and chronic anxiety. What I didn’t realize when I first began advocacy for survivors is that I wasn’t doing it simply to help others. Clearly that played a role, and I am pleased to say that I was able to make a difference. But advocacy, as well as my justice work overall, was part of a losing battle to cope with my own experiences of abuse.
Working against men’s violence gave me a feeling that the suffering – my own, or that which I witnessed on a daily basis – could be stopped. Not reduced, not coped with – stopped! But the more aggressively I pursued this cause, the more I began to see how deeply embedded violence is in our cultural norms and values, which led to a cycle of hope and despair in my life. One of the effects of this cycle is that I refused to face up to the fact that I am just as capable of the sort of violence, domination, and hatred as those men who have haunted my nightmares and those of people close to me. Despite everything I knew about the propensity of men as a class, by virtue of their social conditioning, to commit violence, I could not accept the notion that I was capable of such a thing. I was wrong.
While assisting a female student who was heavily intoxicated (in January 2007), I felt an urge to expose the woman’s breast, and I acted upon it. I photographed her breast and briefly took video with a digital camera. I didn’t think about what I did. I didn’t reason my way through it ahead of time. And I certainly didn’t think about the consequences, either for the victim or myself. My actions were abusive and extremely hypocritical, raising serious doubts about my ability and willingness to live according to my professed values.
The images and video files were later discovered on my computer by campus security in April 2007, which led to a police investigation and criminal charges in February 2008. Wishing to take full responsibility for my actions, I pleaded guilty to invasion of privacy, a serious misdemeanor, and felony attempted burglary (since the incident took place in the student’s dorm room) that summer. I was later sentenced to six months in county jail and a period of probation. I was not, however, required to register as a sex offender because my offense did not meet the legal criteria. I have dealt with very serious consequences for my actions, and I feel safe in assuming that many more lie ahead.
I was released from county jail in February and am now living and working in northwest Iowa. I am taking much better care of myself and pursuing the necessary therapeutic resources to cope with my past and live a responsible and healthy lifestyle in the future. I am also exploring different ways to contribute to our society through service, activism, and community organizing, including my involvement with RSOL. I approach this work with the recognition that current sex offender laws, in addition to being ineffective and unjust, create serious obstacles for offenders who are seriously committed to rehabilitation. In the interest of addressing these problems, I am pleased to serve as a state organizer for the RSOL chapter in Iowa, the Iowa Coalition for Sex Offender Rehabilitation.
Our Journey Ahead
None of us really have the answers we would like to have to the problem of sexual violence in our society. Politicians “get tough” on sex crimes, instead of “getting smart,” by treating everyone convicted of a sexuality-related offense as a sexual predator, stripping away their dignity and civil liberties. Reporters push misguided messages about the danger of “the other” across town, ignoring the fact that the more significant threat is inside the home. Law enforcement officials warn us about the threat of sex offenders in our community, while the majority of sex crimes go unreported, and the majority of abusers are never held accountable. And as citizens, we seem fixated on the easiest answers to the most complex and difficult questions. We in RSOL, for instance, sometimes focus so much on the needs and interests of sex offenders that we forget who ought to be the central voice in this debate – victims of sexual violence.
I think there is a great deal RSOL can do to resolve these problems, in concert with other groups such as victims’ advocates, public health officials, and spiritual leaders. Those of us who have hurt someone can demonstrate how to take responsibility for our actions, make amends, and move forward to live healthy, productive lives. We can also shed light on the lived experiences of sex offenders and their families, raising awareness about the challenges of moving forward under a system that restricts offenders into the perpetual role of “predator.”
By working together, we can say goodbye to the illogical and dehumanizing rhetoric about sex offenders that has pervaded the public discourse for the last decade. We can develop comprehensive, well-reasoned, and sustainable policies that actually prevent sexual violence in our society, while protecting the rights of all our citizens. And on a spiritual level, we can break the vicious cycle of violence and domination in our relationships, our families, and our communities. But we will accomplish nothing without working together and forming broad coalitions. Sexual violence touches all of our lives, and we all must play a role in putting a stop to it.
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The Iowa Coalition for Sex Offender Rehabilitation (IA-CSOR) promotes responsible public policy for sex crimes and sex offender management by facilitating public discourse, research and policy development, and advancement of therapeutic resources, while also providing support for sex offenders and their families. Specifically, we are interested in addressing policy measures like sex offender registration, residency restrictions, and civil commitment laws to ensure that rehabilitation for sex offenders is a serious priority. We are a broad-based coalition that counts among its members sex offenders and their families, victims’ advocates, spiritual leaders, therapists, attorneys, as well as medical and public health professionals.
kategrif said
wow i am glad that committing an assault was a step toward your personal growth and a new path to leadership for you. awesome. how’s your victim?
kylepayne said
Thank you, Kate, for your feedback. Is there a more appropriate way forward that you would recommend? Would you prefer that service and activism – or, for that matter, rehabilitation – be ruled out of the equation altogether?
christine z said
Kyle, I was forcibly raped at the age of twelve. My healing began when I was able to forgive.
My belief is, that if there had been help for this offender, it would not have happened. Now, I wish you success in your ongoing journey to recovery.
You have my support.
Panu Höglund said
Dear Mr Payne,
Let me respectfully suggest to you that the very reason why you have committed criminal acts against women is your advocacy of anti-heterosexual radical feminist positions. As long as you are advocating feminism, you are basically doing a great harm to your own heterosexual self, as well as adhering to an idealized and unsound image of women. As real women never measure up to that unrealistic ideal, you will end up hating, despising and raping them instead.
You will only be rehabilitated if you quit that horrible child-eating inhuman totalitarianism called “anti-porn feminism”, and find instead women who love porn and can appreciate a nice orgy sometimes. I am serious. That is precisely the only thing that can heal you.
To put it more succinctly: Dude, you need to get laid with some real women, for Chrissake.
Sincerely,
Panu Höglund, anti-feminist activist, Finland
suetiggers said
Mr. Hoglund,
Men like yourself, are a very large part of why feminism needs to exist. Your arrogant, fascist mentality strongly suggests you are a predator yourself, if not physically, then in other less overt ways.
I feel sorry for the kind of women you call “real women” who tolerate you, if any do. They’d need to be passive or females who do not think too much because otherwise, how could they accept a woman-hating, sexist like yourself?
I know you think you get what feminism is about but you so do not.
And by the way, since it’s obvious you don’t know this, feminism is not a homogeneous movement. There are differences in thinking about issues such as porn, prostitution, and much else. What you don’t know about feminism has filled many books, but I’m sure they’re ones you have not read or if you did, did not read with any objectivity, only a rigid, closed-minded bias. The caustic anger you feel and express toward strong women is similar to the racism that has targeted black people and other minorities. It is ugly and inhumane. It is ignorant and immature.
Your virulent enmity toward women who think and act independently comes through loud and clear in your letter. You only can tolerate “yes” women or should I say girls. Your mind is a closed steel trap. Your solution about “getting laid” is pathetic. Who would love someone like yourself? Only someone paid to do it, only someone who could lie well.
ctiger said
Right on suetigger. This guy creates the psychological constructs of a fanatic.
Mary Hannan said
Kyle,
I am glad that you are working toward a solution to a ongoing injustice to all now labelled as sex offenders. The are throwing all in the same barrel and every time the laws change it effects all. Rather a old drunk urinates in public or a teen popping another teen’s rear, streaking, mooning, flashing, sticking out your tougue, teen sex or the actual act of reap, they are all treated the same.
I have been on both sides of this, as a victim and now a Mother of what I call a victim of these unjust laws. My hope is that the IA-CSOR can be a bridge to help give all “sex offenders” a chance to prove themselves worthy to get on with their lives and not make them a society of out casts.
Panu said
“Men like yourself, are a very large part of why feminism needs to exist. Your arrogant, fascist mentality strongly suggests you are a predator yourself, if not physically, then in other less overt ways.”
It is kind of ironic that Kyle Payne, who, as I have understood, is a convicted offender, is in your eyes no “predator”, while you think I am a “predator” and a “fascist” only because I dislike feminism. The fact is that I have never committed a criminal act against a women, and when I nearly did, I still was a pro-feminist myself. My relationship towards women has become successively more balanced and sound since I turned my back to feminism and started to think independently, i.e. anti-feministically.
anonymous said
Kyle,
What do you say to the people who cared about you? Those feminists who worked alongside you and believed in you? The ones who have now turned against you?
Why can’t you just stop trying to be a “good feminist” and give the anti-porn, anti-violence against women act a rest? Sounds like you have more to figure out before you go chasing after a position as director. I don’t mean this in a degrading way but in a constructive way. Maybe your rehabilitation should be finished before you advise others on theirs.
Oh, and promise me that you won’t contact that incredibly strong woman that you groped and videotaped. Stay out of her life for her sake and even your own.
Christine said
Panu, quite frankly your assertions don’t make much sense. As I understand it, assaults on women come from a belief by men that they should be in control of women and children, that in fact they are objects, as it were.
I suggest that your “almost assault” arose from beliefs like that, and that your feminism at the time was only skin deep.
You are only supporting Kyle’s statements.