– See “Relationships: Part I” for a primer –
Did I just say that?
So the other day, I made an ass of myself.
I know. I was shocked, too.
Not Kyle, right? That’s so not like him.
Yes, the lovely thing about posting to a blog is that one can type something and try it out to see if it fits, then maybe backspace, try something else. Or heck, you might come up with something that originally seemed like a great idea – something really on track- and then, in an instant, you wipe it out and start from scratch. Such is the magic of blogging, a magic that is not quite as accessible on the phone with your ex-fiance when the subject of marriage comes up.
At one point in the conversation, she and I both concluded that a lot of our college friends are getting married or getting engaged. I can’t be sure, but I would guess she has discussed this phenomenon with others just as I have. It’s summer, a time when our collective psyche in America seems to shift into wedding mode. At any rate, you’d think, having shared observations and conversations about the topic with others, that I might state my thoughts about marriage clearly and with attention to nuance, style, tone, etc. Yeah, not really.
The words I shared with my ex-fiance, the person with whom I shared an engagement from the tender age of 17 up until two months shy of the Big Day when I bailed, and the person with whom I constantly defied accusations that we were “too young” and had “no clue” what we were doing, were something like, “Yeah, I just worry when people get married so young. They still have so much living to do. So much to learn.”
An ounce of critical thinking would very quickly throw that statement out as hypocritical. Getting engaged at 17, having planned to get married at 21, and I’m questioning my peers for doing exactly the same thing? Granted, in my case, plans changed, but that really doesn’t put me in any place to criticize. And for that matter, sharing this hypocritical opinion of mine with the former partner I abandoned was not exactly in the up and up either. Hopefully this post will help me clarify a few points.
Are we ever old enough?
Before you get to thinking that I regret my relationship with my ex-fiance and all the decisions that we were “too young” to make, allow me to nip that assumption in the bud. If I knew when we got engaged 1) that I was going to get all philosophical and start asking serious questions about the legitimacy of marriage as a social construct, 2) that my psychological well-being was going to require that I make some major changes in my relationships, and 3) that I was going to start asking moral questions about my responsibilities to social justice and the influence of marriage on following through on those, then clearly I would have done things differently. But, as should be plainly obvious, these sorts of changes in one’s thoughts and feelings are not restricted to a particular age, nor are they the stable outcomes of a conscious and planned process. These changes simply happen. There may be a little rhyme and a vague reason, but ultimately, even the most disciplined, thoughtful, and self-aware people will grow and change based on circumstances out of their control.
Life is not as stable and predictable as we might hope, yet marriage, at least in theory, seems to represent the epitome of stability and predictability. In practice, of course, we know that half of all marriages end in divorce. And the others? Death.
Pretty grim, right?
Given the fact that we are constantly growing and changing, and that marriage (at least as we traditionally understand it) seems to trade in change for permanence, are we ever old/smart/experienced enough to get married? My concerns about marriage might now align with the folks who I so adamantly opposed when I was engaged, but for vastly different reasons. For them, there are relatively clear criteria in place to help us assess an individual’s or couple’s readiness to commit – this couple is too young, that couple isn’t spiritual (usually Christian) enough, and my gosh, that couple down the street fails to meet social norm x, y, and z. For me, I’m not so comfortable with the assumptions guiding this assessment (to say nothing of the criteria themselves). I have seen and experienced amazing relationships and will likely see and experience many more. Many of these relationships, for reasons ranging from tragic to glorious, have ended. Relationships rise and fall, grow and change form, and along the way, they bring joy, heartache, comfort, sadness, and a host of other feelings to those of us who take part. I am simply in awe of relationships. But I have trouble seeing why any relationship ought to last forever, or more importantly, why this premise ought to underly a major social institution such as marriage.
Sis Is Gettin’ Hitched
As my sister prepares for her wedding later this month, I am full of pride and excitement for her and her wonderful partner. It’s a very special day, a celebration, and I hope it brings joy to everyone in attendance. I hope people are reminded of the power of love to make meaning in the face of confusion, create hope in times of strife, and perhaps most importantly, to bring people together in peace and compassion. And of course, for my sister and her partner, I wish them all the joy this life can offer.
What was missing from my comment on the phone, in addition to a bit of tactfulness and emotional intelligence, was a recognition that struggling with our society’s beliefs about marriage does not require that we abandon the concept altogether, and it especially does not mean that we must negate the beauty of relationships. My concern about young people (you know, since I’m heading near the big 23) who are getting married right out of college (or right out of high school) is not that they are “too young,” “too naive,” or too anything. I worry, not because of anything inherently wrong or problematic about young people in relationships, but because our society’s messages about what it means to be successful in life seem so direly out of touch.
Learning About Relationships
Just to give you an example, throughout the four-year engagement, I learned a lot about my fiance, about myself, about our relationship, our plans for the future, etc. Naturally, I also learned a lot about what marriage meant to us. Interestingly, though, most of the messages I encountered about marriage, and relationships in general, came from other sources. Family and friends, of course, but louder than these voices were those of mass media – films, television shows, magazines, and as if we could not live a minute of our day without them, advertisements. In addition to affirming that the only meaningful love happens within the context of young, patriarchal, white, middle-to-upper-class heterosexual relationships, there was a lot of discussion about the responsibilities of married life. These details are a little more complicated than the simple question of “Does my relationship matter in the eyes of this society?” But worry not, all major department stores – and for that matter, more Mom & Pop operations than I had anticipated, have you covered. If all goes well, you can celebrate your honeymoon with the electronic toothbrushes, microwave, and fancy silverware set that define you as a couple. Further down the line, you might consider new products – a house, a baby, maybe even a puppy.
I have every bit of faith that we, as friends and family members, have the best of intentions and truly wish the best for our loved ones as they take the plunge. But when we give couples advice about not losing sight of “what really matters,” are we on the same page? Amidst the flurry of corporate messages that distance couples from authentic experiences of human connection, are we getting through? Or can we even pull back the layers of our own thought and experience to determine the sources from which we gathered our ideas about relationships?
Tear ‘em down, folks. With your bare hands, if need be.
In the end, I suppose I’m worried that, in various ways and to various degrees, we simply are not asking the right questions about marriage. After all, we are still struggling with the notion of treating same-sex relationships with the same respect as heterosexual ones. We build walls, more and more of them each day, perhaps until we have forgotten why we built them in the first place. Yet, no matter how many times it’s made abundantly clear that the walls were never meant to be there, we shy away from tearing them down. These walls might make someone a profit. They might ensure that those in power stay in power. But I can assure you, these walls do nothing in the service of love or genuine human connection.
It’s been a while since I published a tribute to a favorite musician. We started a few months ago with Regina Spektor, the amazingly talented and original singer-songwriter originally from the former Soviet Union who is responsible for radio hits like “Fidelity,” “On the Radio,” and “Hotel Song,” as well as a host of far more important and creative tunes that have not gotten as much play.
original material, including songs like “Criminal,” “Shadowboxer,” “Slow Like Honey,” “Sleep to Dream,” and “Never is a Promise.” Hitting triple platinum with Tidal, Apple was not always comfortable with her celebrity status. After receiving an award for “Best New Artist” in 1997, Apple proclaimed to the audience, in no uncertain terms, how she felt about the music industry. Apple stated, “This world is bullshit, and you shouldn’t model your life on what you think that we think is cool, and what we’re wearing and what we’re saying.” The host of the night, Chris Rock, would later refer to Apple as “Fiona X.” Yeah, maybe. She was, and still is, a fierce and powerful voice for women, even if her lyrics rarely stray beyond the context of intimate relationships.
Apple returned for Round Two in 1999, releasing When the Pawn… (which, in full, held the Guinness World Record for longest album title until recently). Apple’s second album did not reach the commercial success of her debut, but musically, the album is excellent and demonstrated Apple’s growth as an artist.